50 Marriage Quotes

50 Marriage Quotes That Perfectly Capture the Humour of Wedded Life

Marriage is a beautiful journey, but let’s be honest—it's also full of moments that can leave you laughing, rolling your eyes, or wondering what you got yourself into. Whether you’re a newlywed trying to figure out how to share a bed without starting World War III or a seasoned spouse who’s mastered the art of selective hearing, there's no denying that a little funny humor goes a long way in making the ride smoother after the bouquet toss.

In this blog, we’ve gathered some of the best marriage quotes that will not only put a smile on your face but also make for perfect anniversary captions funny enough to stand out. From funny quotes about marriage that hit the nail on the head to those that capture the essence of what it’s like to share your life with someone, these gems are sure to resonate with anyone who’s ever said "I do."

Looking for a wedding day quote that’s not too mushy? Or maybe you need funny quotes about husbands and wives to lighten the mood on a tough day? We’ve got you covered with funny marriage quotes for newlyweds and the more experienced pairs alike that are as hilarious as they are true. These funny love quotes are not just for the big day—they’re for every day you spend with your better (or more stubborn) half.

So whether you’re searching for the perfect hilarious quotes of the day or just need a good laugh, dive into these quotes for wedding day bliss and beyond. Marriage may be serious business, but with the right perspective—and a good sense of humour—it can also be seriously fun!  

Wedding Humor Quotes That Will Lighten The Mood of Any Room

  1. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.” — George Bernard Shaw

  2. "I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored." — Cameron Esposito

  3. "Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." — Chris Rock

  4. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

  5. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” — Bill Maher

  6. “You go, ‘You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.'" — Nikki Glaser recalling Amy Schumer’s wedding vows

  7. "Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

  8. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

  9. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” — Henny Youngman

  10. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”— Milton Berle

Funny Marriage Quotes That Will Make Your Spouse Laugh 

  1. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Joyce Brothers

  2. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Ann Bancroft

  3. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

  4. “Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.” — Neil Simon

  5. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates

  6. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaigne

  7. “It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” — Robert Frost

  8. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman

  9. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

  10. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” — Jack Benny

Funny Love Quotes for Newlyweds  

  1. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”  — Phyllis Diller

  2. "Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me." — Barack Obama

  3. “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” ― Carroll Bryant

  4. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie

  5. “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.” — Terry Pratchett

  6. “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

  7. “I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.’” — Gwyneth Paltrow

  8. “They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.” ― Clint Eastwood

  9. “We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.” ― Luke Rhinehart

  10. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton

Anniversary Humor Quotes That Are Both Meaningful and Witty 

  1. “In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” — Ruth Bader Ginsburg

  2. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” — Megan Mullally

  3. “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner

  4. “Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.” — St. Jerome

  5. “Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.” ― Pawan Mishra

  6. “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.” — Ogden Nash

  7. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.” — Catherine Zeta-Jones

  8. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde

  9. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman

  10. "After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." — Barack Obama

Humorous Quotes on Marriage 

  1. "Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" — Michelle Obama

  2. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” — Ruth Bell Graham

  3. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash

  4. “Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs, or eating with chopsticks: it looks easy until you try it.” — Helen Rowland

  5. "My wife and I were happy for twenty years—then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield

  6. "Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” — John Wilmot

  7. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” — Mae West

  8. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” — Rick Reilly

  9. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” — Kathy Mohnke

  10. "Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it's because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner - just so they can have the last word." — Janet Periat

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